It has taken me months (and months) to feel strong enough to write a post that outlines just how traumatic and disturbed I was for the second half of last year.
I was in a really dark place. I made very bad decisions, I made decisions based on impulse and I upset and hurt a lot of people.
For that I am truly sorry.
The struggles of daily life hit me and got to me more than anyone can possibly understand.
From the outside, people would see a full time working family, that were well groomed, organised, earned a decent living and that had their ducks in a row (so to speak). They would think we spent weekends as a family, happy and smiling, playing games and baking.
Whereas in reality Monday to Friday moulded into one super long day. Sticking to a routine was the only way we could ever get things done. Weekends were spent doing the washing and cleaning, and taking little man to his swimming and football classes. If we could muster up the energy, we would maybe take little man for a walk in the afternoon, or at least a babyccino at Costa just to pass the time.
In all of this, it is important to remember that little man always does and always will comes first. Even when I didn’t step up as his mummy last year, his Dad was there to take over.
It has taken 6 weeks of tiresomely working to fight for little mans attention again. To stop him going to Daddy first and wanting his mummy to do something for him.
It broke my heart when I realised how much my wellbeing had impacted on his life and how he saw me – someone that did what she wanted and walked in and out of the house without a care in the world.
This wasn’t the case though. The truth was that I had so many worries that I couldn’t cope any longer. I wanted to break free of this mould that I found myself in.
The good thing about moulds is that they can be changed. I am different person to who I was 6 months ago, and a better person than I was 2 months ago.
Of course life is hectic. The only people little man has around him on a daily basis are the girls at nursery that look after him, myself and his daddy. If we don’t cook dinner, do the washing and take little man to his activities, no one else will. And that is okay.
What I have learnt is that the person I want to be is right here. She never really went away. She just had to change and adapt herself and come back stronger.
Friends will come and go. We all change and experience different issues and problems with our own lives, but there will always be those few rare diamond friends who will stick with you through thick and thin – they will be your sidekick when you want to go out for a few drinks and not be mum for a few hours; they will be on the end of the phone when you need to moan about work or daily life.
Life is different now. I am different. But in the best and most amazing way I didn’t even know possible.
Everything is going to be okay.
Busy Working Mummy XOXO