..But they won’t be forever.
This is my way of describing what anxiety feels like to me. You know when you get that butterfly feeling in your tummy when you are excited and nervous about something? Imagine that feeling, but imagine they are going in the other direction.
The uncomfortable direction. It doesn’t feel right. It isn’t exciting. There are still nerves. Nasty horrible nerves. They are anxious, sick and chest tightening butterflies.
They can flutter for no specific reason. They can flutter for a very specific reason. I know some triggers. I don’t know others.
When driving to work, thinking I will be late when I am stuck in traffic. When walking in to an event and needing to speak to the organiser. When taking little man swimming on a Saturday morning. When making dinner, or seeing a crumb on my kitchen floor.
We all deal with things in different ways. My way is to ensure that nothing can affect my family; our house that we work so hard to be our beautiful safe haven away from all the crap that life throws at us.
I finally found the strength to write about the anxious butterflies and how they make me feel.
I feel that I let my husband and my son down when the butterflies take over. I can’t control the butterflies, and I should be able to. I am a mum. Mum’s can do anything.
Last week I went to bed 2 nights without hoovering my kitchen floor. This was a huge achievement for me. I am getting some control back in to my life. I can do this.
But Sunday came along, and the plan for the house decoration wasn’t the plan I had in my head. The plan that I had spent weeks dealing with and telling myself I can cope with…gone.
This new plan, I couldn’t cope with. There were tears, tantrums and throwing of objects round the kitchen. Hubby just watched on in disbelief.
That was my only coping mechanism. My safe haven for 2 weeks is being turned upside down. Not only this, but now something I took weeks to calm the butterflies over, has changed and done a 360 degree turn.
The butterflies are practically bursting out of me.
It is a weird feeling not being able to control my emotions. Trying to explain how I feel is 99% impossible until I calm myself down long enough to speak some sense.
I may from the outside looking in, look like a normal person. Hang on, I am a normal person, it is just a different normal.
I still have the biggest heart and will protect my little boy until the day I die. Everything I do is for him. The days those butterflies are uncontrollable, are the days I look back on pictures of us a family, and focus on the good things in my life.
There are so many.
So those butterflies will still always flutter in the wrong direction, but it won’t be forever. I am just a different normal…and for now, that is okay.
Busy Working Mummy XOXO