For a long time I have felt detached from the whole mum experience. When little man was born, I wasn’t the mum that was bothered who picked him up for a cuddle, or fed him his milk (clearly a bottle fed baby not breast). I didn’t ache to spend all my time with him or get massively emotional when he started nursery full time at 6 months old.
I worried that I wasn’t going to be a good mum. I questioned my motherly instincts and whether I was maternal enough.
I don’t know whether it was the interaction or the baby stage I struggled with but over the past few weeks, I finally feel that I am ‘getting’ being a mum.
In all honestly, I don’t know what being a mum is? Mums come in all different shapes and sizes. As long as we do what is best for our children, teach them right from wrong, give them all the love in the world, what more can we do?
I was a mum when I was crying through breast feeding for hours on end in the first 6 weeks of his birth. I was a mum when I took him for walks every day on my maternity leave to get him out in some fresh air. I was a mum when I fed him, changed him and cleaned his clothes.
I may not have felt like a mum but I certainly did everything in my power for him as a little baby. Because isn’t that what being a mum is? It is about doing your best.
Over the past few weeks, my anxiety over feeling like I wasn’t bonding with him is slowly disappearing. I love my weekends at home, I look forward to Friday coming so I can spend time with hubby and little man and thinking up new adventures and plans for the weekend.
I feel that I can interact with little man more now. I can see his personality shine through and he makes me laugh every day.
Everything I have ever done has been for him. All plans have to revolve around naps and meal times. Places we visit need to have good facilities for him to play around or at least be able to get him out his pushchair to run off some energy.
There is nothing better in this world then seeing him grow more and more every week. Hearing him talk to his teddies or read stories to himself. Dance to music, and hear him say new words.
I now smile to myself and know that I am doing a good job despite a rocky start.
Maybe I suit the toddler stage more than the baby stage. Working full time never used to bother me, but now I am missing so much of him growing up, I want to spend more and more time with him.
I finally feel that I am a mum. This is what I was supposed to be feeling the whole time, not 18 months in to his life.
The difference is, I am feeling it now rather than from birth. It doesn’t make me a bad mum, it just took a while for it all to click.
Since 21st August 2014 when he was born, I have been a mum. I just feel like a better one now, in February 2016.
I finally get it.
Busy Working Mummy XOXO